You've probably already heard about it in some erotic books that have been popular for a while. However, it is important to say that this saga does not reflect what BDSM is in reality and that is why I want to demystify here this little-known subculture.
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*The masculine will be used in order to lighten the text
It is important to mention that around 10% of people practice BDSM, and that there is no typical profile. Practices other than BDSM are rather described as “vanilla”. Some people experience BDSM all the time, what we call 24/7. Others only focus their intimacy and sexuality on this practice. Still others practice BDSM from time to time, in addition to having vanilla practices. In short, each person chooses their level of practice and whether it becomes more of a lifestyle or an occasional practice. It's a way to add spice, to test your limits, to challenge yourself and, above all, to test your trust in others. Besides, BDSM does not only revolve around sex, as will be explained later. And moments of intimacy or sexuality are called games or scenes.
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BDSM is practiced at home, between consenting adults. Sometimes, some people will create a dungeon (room dedicated to BDSM, with all the toys, instruments and required precautions) at home and receive selected followers in this private place. BDSM is also practiced during more libertine evenings, with a large audience, where people will be received in a larger dungeon. These evenings, although open to more people, are very selective and very safe. Security guards are ready to remove people who do not comply with the rules. A dress code is required and consent must be sought at all times, whether to watch or participate. There is also no room for judgment regarding nationality, gender, sex, sexual orientation and position (dominant, submissive or both).
Dungeon
What do the letters BDSM mean? This acronym is not chosen at random… BD refers to bondage and discipline . Bondage is actually the act of tying up or restricting movement by tying up with ropes, handcuffs, a corset, a confinement bag, a latex suit or a cage. Discipline refers to obeying one's master or dominant. So, if the submissive disobeys in any way (verbally, physically, psychologically, monetarily), he will be punished with a consequence that has been predetermined between both parties. This could be being flogged, beaten, deprived of sex, forbidden to masturbate for a week, forced to wear a chastity belt/penis cage, etc.
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DS refers to the dominant-submissive relationship. The dominant-submissive relationship is a special relationship. It is governed by a contract between the two people, who must state their needs, desires and limits. Contrary to what one might think, the submissive has the decision-making power to end the scene or the game at any time, using a safe word that will be spoken if necessary. This relationship is one of trust, since everyone will test their limits during the exchanges. This is why you must constantly be sure to respect others and be on the lookout, and to speak up when something is not going well. This relationship can be destructive if it is misunderstood or if the foundations are fragile: BDSM can play in someone's head.
Shibari (Japanese bondage)
Finally, SM refers to the sadomasochistic aspect. Pain in BDSM is the tool that increases pleasure and achieves orgasm. It is something sought after, subtle, which gradually rises. Whether to punish a submissive or to give them an orgasm, pain is used to bring the dominant-submissive closer together and strengthen the bonds that unite the two partners. It creates endorphins, adrenaline and therefore a feeling that gets you high. It is expected and wanted, anticipated and planned. There are as many ways to practice BDSM as there are different pairs of partners and they are all equal. It's up to everyone to gravitate around the three axes thus named to build a relationship that meets what both partners want.
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Another important point: don’t get into BDSM whoever wants. This could be dangerous, especially from a physical point of view. There are courses whose aim is to learn how to handle the various instruments, because it is easy to injure your partner. Some places are very sensitive and should be avoided. Same thing for bondage : you have to know how to properly tie your partner (because it's an art!) in order to avoid cutting off circulation, which could lead to serious injuries or even loss of limbs. The Community Center for Alternative Lifestyles offers very good workshops to familiarize yourself with the BDSM world. There are also other precautions to take, particularly regarding protection, how to maintain your toys and equipment. We also avoid mixing drugs or alcohol and gambling, which could be very unhealthy, because under the influence of substances, we lose awareness of our limits. Finally, we never leave a person immobilized or tied up without supervision, at the risk of them becoming unwell.
Collar and leash
After practices, there is a session of cuddles, caresses and discussions. Very often, people feel vulnerable and this allows them to take stock of how things went and come down from that rush of hormones that gets you high.
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This article is therefore only intended to be a tiny overview of this universe which is quite complex, diverse and whose rules are created between consenting partners. If you ever want to know more, the CCVA can answer your questions. You can also browse the different blogs available on the subject or go to FetLife to chat with people who practice BDSM. It's also important to inform yourself through books, films, conferences, blogs, workshops... Enjoy your discovery!